Joanna What sparked your interest in pursuing a career in music initially? Was there a specific moment or experience that fueled your passion?”
I don’t feel like I have a career in music. I release what I compose in my bedroom, and for the project, I’ve only recorded with another engineer, In a few bedroom studios – a handful of times. I don’t sell my records, so it’s a different approach. Everything is up on Soundcloud though.
I also had to decide to continue self-producing and engineering & recording in my bedroom after my first EP was finished.
I don’t view my first release as a failure – more of a learning experience, with a few musicians and producers – whom I look up to.
I got back to Denver from the experience of recording my first EP, and my next move was continuing to write and record. I didn’t stop. I doubled down. This time it was with the process which we followed – and I learned, making my first EP. I proceeded to write some 6 EPs worth of music and released them under Pain Waves. Writing over 5 years.
I would say fueling my passion comes from constantly chasing the feeling of being ok and comfortable. Late nights of smoking and writing, during the guardianship – kept me comfortable and ok and focused.
My objective in pursuing music has always been to remain free as I struggle with illness and my parents’ wishes to constantly hurt and impose abuse on me. Or a lack of freedom. Fighting their bipolar and munchausen’s bi-proxy disorders has always been something I have had to overcome – and fight through or against. This, in addition to my poor health.
I couldn’t imagine how easy my life would be if they were a protagonist in my timeline. Probably more like my sister’s comfortable and healthy existence. But then again – she isn’t the family cash cow; I am – and they’re the antagonist in my timeline – for profit.
I lost my house 14 months ago because of my mother’s rampant mental health. I ended up in a BDSM relationship just to get out of my old place to sell it properly. Otherwise I would’ve been lowballed or lost the home. My Mother spread rumors and gossiped about me to my neighbors – in retaliation for me speaking up about her abuse of me. I couldn’t be home anymore – as she constantly swatted me and so caused me to be hospitalized in a vicious cycle. Furthermore, I was being assaulted by people – who matched false narratives of my parents. I don’t use “hard” drugs. They were both saying the same thing, though. The same drug. I don’t do. So basically I was beaten out of my home for trying to stop the abuse that was happening to me. Retaliation and torture with antipsychotics and beat downs.
I proved the charade was just that – when I moved out – and didn’t tell my mother where I was moving to.I haven’t had any mental health incidents since she hasn’t had my address. I also never run out of weed anymore, which I require as medicine for my brain. When I ran out of it in the past – it led to mental health symptoms because of my inability to deal with the nausea or headaches in my medication’s absence.
My music aims to correct my parent’s abusive affects in my life by outing them so that they cease. They have not hurt me in a year, but they also have abandoned me to suffer and be broke – eventually – in their lies.
I make art hoping I don’t end up homeless. So far I’m ok. I have plans for future endeavors while I correct my parents wrongs against me, that I am working on bringing to fruition. It’ll be fun if anything comes of my efforts.
The initial spark came to me in kindergarten when the class was singing “Away Rio” – the teacher picked me to sing a verse, and her reassurance that it was good. Her saying that I sounded good – was a megaphone in my head telling me I found my calling – at 5 I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life.
My parents always stifled my efforts – though, and I wasn’t even allowed access to MTV or VH1 until I turned 17. My parents were very strict, and seemed to want to beat every passion or love for any hobby I had – out of me.
The abuse culminated with Gold House – The artist formerly known as Breathe Electric – getting paid $100 by my dad – to abuse and traffic me on the tour that I worked on at 19 years old. Justin Sawyer did just the same, as did the rest of the band – by being complicit -and backing Grant’s decision to cut my pay – somewhere in the middle of the tour.
We lost a laser light and he made me pay for it by working it off. Debt bondage basically. Eventually I was being paid $5-8 a day to eat and work and got dragged around the country basically to unload his trailer for his set. The original offer was $20 a day plus food. I shut down. I stopped showering in protest of their treatment of me. I was in such bad shape that they created the hashtag “#ShitMikeSays” for clout.
Had I known about my seizure disorder, or my 4 other brain conditions. I wouldn’t have gone on that tour. But my parents shielded that knowledge from me, withheld services, time and again – and further enabled my suffering on that tour with their “inability” to PayPal me anything from my trust fund, to get me home safely. They were busy buying my dad’s first condo – in WI, with my money at the time.
Could you characterize your musical style and the genre(s) you associate with? Are there
specific artists or musicians who have played a significant role in shaping your sound?
I would characterize the sound of my music as electro-pop/rock or alt-pop – Goth Pop also kind of fits. In my photography endeavors … every artist I have spoken to – made me realize I wanted to pursue music, for myself.
Another (unfortunate) influence on the music is that – I had an abusive past with therapists and my parent’s hurting me by proxy. Up until I lost my freedom (in the guardianship/conservatorship) – I didn’t feel like pursuing music was a viable option for me. For as fun as it was working on a national tour, it was also exhausting. And I couldn’t imagine (at the time) coming forward about my parents slights against me, as they practically tried to bury me, time and again. Publicly.
The music happened because they wanted it to.
Share with us the inspiration behind your most recent single. What triggered the creative
process for this specific piece?
My most recent single would be the song I announced a few weeks ago on X Spaces, and released 2 versions of. An a cappella electronic version and a regular version.
I Didn’t Call – is a song which I started composing at the end of last year. It is about my trafficking experience and being “stolen” for an incentive. My parents were the ones who stole my freedom, time and again, kept me in misery – and prevented me from having surgery on multiple occasions. The song’s chorus starts out by saying “You can’t touch me on this island” – which is a message to anyone who has ever hurt me. I’m in my own head. I’m safe there. And I care very little anymore about other’s opinions of me. I’ve been through way too many unfathomable circumstances to be believed. The opinions of other’s outside of my experience, then – is hollow advice, and shallow perspective.
The vocals have a call & response to them. And so the next line is “you won’t catch me going home” which can be heard in the background.
The creation process started with a drum beat – then lyrics and chords. Then I recorded the piano over the drums. It’s either a cohesive – 3 hour process, or a touch and go additive process over the course of several days of working on it. By the time that is done – a majority of my process – in recording, is complete. I add vocals after that and work with the original chords (usually) to draw out harmonies and every thing else.
In what way do you anticipate your latest song resonating with your existing fan base and attracting new listeners? What message or emotions do you aim for listeners to glean from the song?
It comes down to writing lyrics to the narrative that is true to what I survived – while my parents parrot a false narrative about my mental health and well-being for their own control, gain, and profit.
It is my one way I overcame their gaslighting. Through music. It can be a powerful tool for most anything. Art has the potential to create societal change as well – and it often does.
The message of the song is to not give up – just because of societal views on a particular struggle or setback.
How does this track contribute to the overarching narrative or theme of your upcoming album or project?
“I Didn’t Call” – is a track about being in a state of so much peace, that it Is as if one is on a deserted island. I am not sure how that will lend itself to the next album. I’m also not sure if it’s a single or an album track.
Maintaining creativity and motivation can be challenging. Do you have any rituals or habits that
you find instrumental in sustaining your artistic drive?
I wake up every morning feeling less than optimal because of my neurology. I take a bath. A cup of coffee or two and some tobacco and weed. I’m in the best (mental) shape of my life and simultaneously – the worst physical shape of my life. I rely on a scooter for transportation and mobility outside of my apartment.
Taking care of me comes first these days though – as opposed to some 9-5 job or project that isn’t compensating me as it should.
Whenever I have worked for anyone – it has driven me to illness. Even 3 hours of being distracted with other tasks – can make me sick for hours. And that has happened. Especially this past year.
I treat myself more kind and I deal with less illness as a result – overall. So it is a multifaceted solution that I have found for myself that causes me to feel better, and when that happens, I am in a space good enough to create art.
Do you have any upcoming projects or releases that you’re particularly enthusiastic about? Can you offer any teasers or details?
No – but only because I don’t really have anything viable to share yet. I wouldn’t even show what I’m working on to the X Spaces audience. It’s just too early. However – I heard back from my old engineer this morning about the current mix for “I Didn’t Call”. It’s been out for a few weeks at this point, but earlier in the release timeline, I updated the mix on Soundcloud. He had virtually no complaints. I am very excited to showcase the quality of music I am capable of producing and mastering going forward, With his feedback in mind.
“I Didn’t Call” has been fun to write and release as well. And it was cathartic releasing the rest of “Sorry, Your Alma Mater Sucks” – but figuring out professional mixing skills on my own has been a turning point. I look forward to future writing sessions taking less time as well.
